looking in the mirror

Recovery: one of the things that sets us apart as humans, that makes humans different from other animals, is our ability to, as my theology professor liked to say, "have ourself as our own object". Self-reflection, that is, and it's the concept that came from, as Genesis 2 tells it, the man and the woman eating the apple (I know it wasn't described as an apple, get over it) and suddenly becoming aware of themselves and their sin, that they had disobeyed, guilt and shame. An alligator can't sin, for example, even if it eats you, nor can a shark, or a boa constrictor, they have no moral sense of right and wrong, only instinct. Some of the "guilty dog" videos on YouTube make me think some animals can learn a sense of having been naughty, but I don't know if that's the same as self-perception in us humans.

So, what's my point? I've been noticing, driving around town, and across town and across the county, and recently between here and Apalachicola and driving through Mexico Beach, that the hurricane damage is not so crushing to me emotionally as at first. It can do me in if I let it, and the hurt and anger and bitterness can return all too quickly if I let my mind go that way. So I don't; and otherwise, while driving through it I may notice that I'm used to it now, because Time has passed, and "it's the way it is". This is the new reality.

Again, what's my point? Recently I met a young man who just broke up with his girlfriend, and he's dealing with that. BTDT, almost anyone who has been through life has encountered that grief of broken relationship. Some people, I think maybe males more than females, let it bring them down in despair, even to thinking about, or even committing suicide. But for most of us, it's good training in life for life. Even though we'd go back and prevent it if we could, and would never have chosen it, almost every bad thing that happens to us helps prepare us for the next one. Sort of "emotional strength training". Like, my memories, my sense of loss and months of almost overwhelming grief when Tass went away to college helped me realize when Kristen went away to college, that I could deal with it, get through it, and heal. 

Years ago I read about a woman who all her life had been terrified of the dark, of being outside at night, of the dreadful things that could happen. Not long after her daughter died, a friend noticed that being in the dark didn't bother her, and asked her about it. Her answer, "When the worst thing that could ever happen to you actually does happen, you're no longer afraid of anything". And a similar case, a woman who was dying of cancer, asked if she was afraid, replied, "When you've put a child in the ground, you're not afraid of dying yourself".

My point again? Well, it's Epiphany Season, time for realizations, time for light bulbs to come on over our heads. As a priest and pastor, being with people who were going through grief and sorrow, I often found that to help them remember that they'd gotten through bad, sometimes worse, events in their past, helped them realize that they had the strength to face this current trouble as well, maybe even that life itself had been preparing them for this. Because "trouble" comes to each of us, often beyond our control. It's back to self-reflection, "having ourself as our own object" and realizing that we are stronger than we thought.

For me, going back, I would never willingly choose Category 5 Hurricane Michael, and if I could, I'd go back and make it never happen, because I loved everything just the way it was. But I'm realizing that I'm healing, that "it's what it is" and everything is different now; and some things are even way better. Cove School, for example, the Bill Lloyd Building. My home, 7H. The trees are gone, the trees and many structures and other landmarks that made Panama City my town so intuitively that I couldn't get lost here, I can get lost now, especially driving at night. But I know that I can make it, and I'm going to make it, and I am making it, and I will be fine, and Life is Good. Same with the young man whose girlfriend just broke up with him: he's grieving. I can recall the agony even now some sixty-five years later, and losses and deaths and separations throughout my years of life right up to this moment; but I am strong, and we are strong, and we made it, and we can make it this time. I hope the young man learns that and eventually comes to realize that this too was part of every life as it is. And that Life is Good, and every day is a beautiful day.

Reflecting theologically, all this may even be the reason God put the apple tree in the middle of the Garden in the first place, and that one day pointed it out to the man and the woman and told them, "Don't you dare eat that!" And then left them alone, knowing full well what would happen and that in the long term it would be for their own good. Etiologically, that may even be the reason the serpent has no legs and feet.

T

photo: the new park benches and new trash receptacles along East Beach Drive. Much better than the old ones, and we wouldn't have them but for HMichael.