IDK

So, what am I doing, loafing, having breakfast of whole wheat saltines and cheese and second mug of hot, black coffee, struggling to finish my dissertation on Time, watching a red ship glide past 7H as tugs stand by waiting to help her into the West Terminal, then a still, silver Bay under a gray and white sky as yellow boats testing Mercury outboards race by then slow, circle in front of me, and speed back toward the facility in Millville.

It's my imagination, but do they mainly do this on Saturdays and Sundays? And why? Because their test drivers have other jobs during the workweek? IDK. In fact, IDK nothing, and one of the best mileposts in life is giving in to realizing that.

StAndrewsBay: a good place to be retired. If not here, where? IDK, Apalachicola, Seattle, San Francisco, Sydney, but all based on the experiences of being there at younger, exciting Times of my life, wouldn't be at all the same, would it. So 7H for these years.

What have I done?

For myself? TO myself?

Another craft, across the way, in the far channel. You probably can't tell, but through the binoculars I see the orange sash of a United States Coast Guard vessel. What kind? IDK, but she has an orange crane forward, and now she's pulled up and halted alongside a red channel marker: I'm guessing she's a buoy tender. We've lived here seven and a half years, and this is the second Time I've watched them minding channel markers. Is it scheduled routine maintenance, or was there a problem?

A 1918 issue of the St Andrews Bay Times newspaper reports that a channel marker light was not operating that night in January 1918 when Annie & Jennie was dashed to pieces as she tried to navigate the Old Pass in a squall. Lifted up and slammed down on a sandbar, breaking her keel.

Is that why my grandparents' son Alfred lost his life and I have mine? A certain guilt attaches, and a sense of laid on responsibility that I didn't ask for, didn't see, idoseen, horaw, realize, perceive, understand. I've had nearly eighty-seven years to pay, how have I done? IDK, I'll have to ask Mom and Pop. And face Alfred.

The yellow Mercury outboard test boats are still at it.