not so innocent

It's Friday again, how did that happen? The same way as it's happened that I'm six weeks from 85: the earth keeps turning and going 'round the sun. Not 85, I'm 17 and I'm 40, though unfortunately, I know too much now that I didn't know back then. 

Would I go back? Maybe for an hour or two, like Emily going to the morning of her twelfth birthday. Which, come to think of it, didn't work out well at all. So IDK, maybe not. 

Instead of 7H Bay porch I'm sitting outside on 7H Beck porch. It's an inlet actually, a jut-in off the sidewalk, our entryway, about 5x10 or so, and we have two chairs and a table out here. Quite nice because it's shielded from all but hurricane weather, and we're right by the stairs in case of that sort of emergency. There's no view from here, but it's at the very end of the sidewalk, and the total privacy of it is worth everything. And I mean Everything: privacy is at the top of my needs list.

My chair is facing west. Behind me, in the east, the Friday morning sun is coming up over my right shoulder.

This blog is linked on our parish website, so what can I say that's religious? When I do that, I like to grab something from the lectionary for the upcoming Sunday. Maybe the psalm? It's the liturgical response to the Genesis lesson, which is the good old Sunday School bible story of Jacob wrestling with God. We're going to read the Bible story, but we aren't going to read the psalm. Instead of the psalm we're going to sing "Break thou the bread of life" as our gospel hymn because the gospel is Matthew's account of Jesus feeding the five thousand. So let's look at the psalm a moment.

Psalm 17:1-7,16 Page 600, BCP

Exaudi, Domine

1

Hear my plea of innocence, O LORD;
give heed to my cry; *
listen to my prayer, which does not come from lying lips.

2

Let my vindication come forth from your presence; *
let your eyes be fixed on justice.

3

Weigh my heart, summon me by night, *
melt me down; you will find no impurity in me.

4

I give no offense with my mouth as others do; *
I have heeded the words of your lips.

5

My footsteps hold fast to the ways of your law; *
in your paths my feet shall not stumble.

6

I call upon you, O God, for you will answer me; *
incline your ear to me and hear my words.

7

Show me your marvelous loving-kindness, *
O Savior of those who take refuge at your right hand
from those who rise up against them.

16

But at my vindication I shall see your face; *
when I awake, I shall be satisfied, beholding
your likeness.

Does it ring true for you in your life? Me, for one thing, I'd feel like a phony reading it, because if I hold up any claim of innocence God will laugh in my face, maybe even smite me? Of course, it's not meant to be me, it's Jacob speaking, our ancestor Jacob, who tomorrow is going to meet his twin brother Esau, from whom he had to flee in terror years ago after a lifetime of jealously cheating Esau out of everything; and finally after the last straw Esau raging "So help me God, I'm gonna kill the little mama's boy!!" And now Jacob is scared essless that Esau is still mad and actually will kill him tomorrow. 

So the psalm doesn't fit Jacob any better than it fits me. Jacob is a terrified coward and the thought of meeting Esau is giving him nightmares. We've already read ahead in the story though, and we know that Esau breaks down in sobs as he sees his brother and hugs his brother's neck, having missed him for so many years. Esau is a real Mensch. 

I miss my brother too. Walt was always everything I wanted to be and never was.

But the psalm. It's the psalmist's confidence in the Lord's gracious goodness, that y'Vah will see him through no matter what. We translate it lovingkindness, in Hebrew חֶסֶד chesed, and if God has one characteristic, we hope it's חֶסֶד and not power or justice.

RSF&PTL

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