muse of madness

Besides all the people in my life, what do I love most?! One, which happens almost every morning, is, having gone to bed with the sun, waking up in the darkest earliest, turning on the coffee, breaking off a square of dark chocolate, and reading or writing (no math), alone in the long before dawn pitch black, sitting under a lap blanket in the December chill.

Like now: the street is wet from overnight rain that must be over for the moment as I see no raindrops splashing in the puddles outside my hurrication home window here in South Walton County; quiet until a car passes by on US98, picking up speed to make it before the traffic light turns yellow. Cool but not cold, only chilly because of the dampness, 64°F a good temperature for a predawn December morning on the Florida Gulf Coast; and I love, and have loved since moving to Apalachicola in 1984 and waking up before dawn with the roosters crowing all over town, being up early like this. Early, dark, alone for a think, to contemplate, maybe to remember. 

Remembering, what about my life would I change if I could? At this age nobody wants to look back and see bits and pieces, much less long periods, of Time wasted, because you can't get it back, it's gone; some value of used, misused, invested, wasted, loved, remembered, regretted, cherished; but little forgotten. A problem, two, with thinking what to change about one's past Time, is that One it's impossible anyway so one is wasting more Time going down that trail; and Two, if one could and did go back in Time to relive and change past events, one's present would be different: at this point in Time I wouldn't change a thing except to have - - who was that imbecile televangelist who claimed to have prayed a hurricane away - - I'd have him pray Hurricane Michael straight to hell and gone before ever starting to circle. But then, what might have happened in that revised meanTime, that one would never wish on any one? So, speaking for nobody but myself, maybe, and having no option anyway, I'll stick with Time as I've lived it. 

No, there's one thing I would change in my Time. No, in fact I can think of two. Three come to think of it. What the hell, there's another one, so four. No wait, that too. Okay, it's probably best that we can't go back and change our personal past, that the best we can do is try to make amends, either by apologizing or, seeing that they're all long years dead, by doing what these days is, for some reason, oddly called "paying it forward," as in

Ye who do truly and earnestly repent you of your sins, and
are in love and charity with your neighbors, and intend to
lead a new life, following the commandments of God, and
walking from henceforth in his holy ways ... 

While intending to lead a new life, there are things I've done that I should have left undone that I do NOT truly and earnestly repent but that I'd certainly never do again if for no other reason than that I'm no longer that stupid. Also, I can't, I can't anyway. But for what it's worth, apologies into the ether to those I hurt in this life who no longer Are. How many times? Every Time the priest says the liturgical invitation to liturgical confession leading to unexamined liturgical absolution. Every damn Time.

Early: my favorite Time of day and life.

T