struggle, struggling: theological reflection
Ship or ships either in the Pass or offshore, the tiny white light above and near the end of Courtney Pass. Before daylight a bit ago it appeared to be a large ship in the pass and unmoving, perhaps aground, but daylight and growing lighter, with binoculars, clearly she's standing offshore, perhaps waiting for a berth to clear or pilot and tugs. A busy vessel schedule for today.
Shifting, constantly changing, the clouds are wonderful this morning. In my lifetime I have loved spring and then summer when clouds make for magnificent sunrises and sunsets, but chiefly because I've loved watching thunderstorms distant over the Gulf of Mexico and moving ashore. To be honest with myself, all that changed with a phone call Monday morning and may never return for me, a loss that becomes part of the week's horror. Perhaps in Time that loss will clear up along with the deep, bitter emotion and anger that keeps welling up in my chest and throat; always challenging, theology is confusing, even daunting at Times. This is One, one such Time.
Some months ago (seems to me I’ve related this here already, but I’m sure as hell not going back to search my archives) a 21st century wisdom proverb advised that in life we make a list of the tasks we face, identify the ones that are most important to us, and cross the others off our list. Not exact words, but the essence of it. Since reading that I’ve kept it in mind and tried to do it somewhat, succeeding to some extent, but neither tried enough nor succeeded enough. Maybe I'll buckle down to only what’s most important to me as an 82 year old man who, like you and every other material thing under the sun, has limited Time.
This I’ve already told too, once or more in years past. Our early years in Apalachicola, couple times a week our mayor, a friend and parishioner and hard worker in the parish (though not a communicant, as he was Greek Orthodox) would pop into my office with a great idea, suggesting something that should be done; and generally I would agree that yes, that does need doing, a great idea.
A good and earnest man with lots of ideas, he loved Apalachicola more than life itself, and he served as mayor several terms. In time though, I realized that he wasn’t proposing ideas that the church should take on: he was bringing tasks for me to do. Once I confirmed this, by asking, “Jimmie, who do you think should do this?” and he answered, “Why, you, Tom.”
At some point after that, I gently and kindly told him that I had all I could do and more as it was, and that with his ideas, “all of them good,” I assured him, he needed to plan to do them himself. I always enjoyed visiting with him, but once he realized that his task ideas would be his to work, he pretty much quit dropping in with great ideas for me to work on.
Thursday morning, time with Joseph and especially his dad, whom my heart has ID'd more as son than nephew most of these years. It’s Thursday afternoon now as I sit here typing, investing Time while Linda's in the kitchen across the counter from me, cutting vegetables for Mom’s Usual sweet & sour pork she is planning for Saturday lunch while TJCC are here. Sunday it will be Mom’s Usual bbq ribs and the standard fixin's. Kris or I will get Malinda from the rehab facility both days to join family togetherness. This will be a combination dual birthday and Fathers Day weekend.
Evening now, Thursday. Visited M a bit, took her order for red jello and yogurt as we were going from there to Publix. There, my favorite sushi, it's been so long since we lived in Japan the names escape me, but shaped rice topped with slabs of orange salmon and red tuna; and rolls, same fish, same rice but rolled and with seaweed on the outside. Kikkoman soy sauce, etc.
To sip with it a new martini recipe: splash dry vermouth, jigger gin, jigger vodka, half jigger sauerkraut juice. Over ice, shake vigorously such as to bruise everything badly, pour into martini glass Linda bought me on one trip to Apalachicola. Glass has little fish etched into, swimming around the glass.
"What’s it all about" - - Mary Magdalen sings in Jesus Christ SuperStar. It’s about struggle. We credit and praise God for victory when we believe God has saved in answer to prayer, or simply for the grace of it. Theological struggle and anger: if God gets the glory, God can well accept the blame as we curse the sky when the coin comes up tails. Anything less or other seems but a half-theology. Pierre Wolff again, and his little book that I read when it first came out, had copies for hurting friends, parishioners and loved ones.
There’s that Nachash again, serpent of Eden, evil in the nature of things - - notwithstanding C S Lewis having humans bring the serpent into Eden by mistake along with the London lamppost (Chronicles of Narnia: The Magician's Nephew) - - per scripture, Nachash the serpent created in the nature of creation by the Creator's own self, Nachash, symbolizing all the evil that befalls us.
We don't believe God is at work controlling lightning strikes, but lightning does strike in the nature of Creation. What of my raging anger? Can I forgive God when Nachash strikes and does painful damage to someone we dearly love? Curse God and die, says Job’s wife, and we cringe; but it’s human nature to place blame and it's not our fault that Job was too pious and timid to strike back. If God created and God gets the credit, then doesn't God get the blame when God's Nachash strikes. And then a theological challenge to forgive God. Can, will we?
My question nearly a generation ago was, “Can the faith of Tom Weller survive the death of William Hall?” and the jury is still out on it. Regardless whether my faith makes it, I will go to my grave with God unforgiven for that death of a seven year old boy against all my prayer. Having peered through telescopes into this universe and imagining billions upon billions of other universes like it or different, I am somewhere other than simpleton religion, and only a fool would believe that God is testing me (and I do not), but the faith question stirs again, Nachash against the innocents, come home to roost, ὁ ἀναγινώσκων νοείτω or not.
Will ye also go away?
Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou has the words of eternal life.
T
Sure enough, daylight with binoculars: large ship, four uprights, seems to be in the channel, stationary. Ship aground?