NO THANK YOU
No Thank You
Scrolling down the Washington Post that arrives along with the NYT and others every morning, about halfway down one finds the Carolyn Hax column. It feels slightly different, and a psychologist might name the difference between Carolyn Hax and Dear Abby or Miss Manners. I can’t put my finger on it, but Carolyn seems more sociological somehow. Or maybe not.
In a recent column someone was asking Carolyn Hax how to respond to friends who always invite his/her family to church even though the friends know that they are not believers and they always decline (politely so far), but they are well and truly sick and tired of constantly being invited, even regard it as obnoxious and disrespectful.
There is a statistic -- anyone who doubts it can check snopes.com and if snopes denies it they are wrong of course, take my word for it -- that says most of the new people in church at any service are there because someone invited them. Not because they read the ad in the Saturday newspaper, not because somebody knocked on the door and handed them a leaflet, not because ... , but because a friend or neighbor invited them. In thirty years as a parish priest, I found this to be so. The only thing I found more sure than this was that people will come back and stay, join up, if the church pastor calls on them at home the afternoon of their first visit. After reading that tidbit years ago I tried it and found it to be absolutely so. People come to church because someone invites them, and they come again to stay if they perceive that they are so welcomed and important that even the minister calls on them immediately.
It is a Christian obligation to invite folks to church. What about the Carolyn Hax correspondent who was tired of being invited? Carolyn said correctly that the response needs to be thought out and given based on the value of the friendship. There’s a difference in response and retort. Embarrassing the friends or hurting their feelings or offending them is not unlikely to end the friendship. Even Carolyn’s suggested, “I appreciate that you’re trying to be kind by inviting me to church, but I would also appreciate it if you stopped asking” will stir discomfort and tension. What would I do? If I were the inviter I would be more sensitive with my invitations so as not to be obnoxious and offensive (being offensive, obnoxious and overbearing in the Name of God is one form of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit). If I were the invitee and valued the friendship I would simply continue saying, “Oh no thank you,” while realizing that the inviter is acting out of a sense of obligation, and is offering something he/she treasures. If I didn't much value the friendship it wouldn't matter what I said, long as I made my point courteously. The "audible comma" can make a difference -- as in "No, thank you" or "NO THANK YOU."
When the Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons come to my door I never invite them inside, nor do I even unlock the screen door. I tell them politely, “I have my own faith and am an ordained minister in it, and am not interested in hearing about yours, but thank you anyway.” Sometimes they thank me and leave, more often they continue their spiel because that’s what they have been trained to do, and they are just trying to do their ministry, as I try to do my ministry. In that case I just say, “I’m not interested, but thank you anyway” and turn away, letting them leave their leaflet on the steps. Always courteous; because that’s the definition of agape isn’t it: kind, courteous, thoughtful. And to act without agape is a sin.
Tom+