Don't go

Remember

We generally go by generation, don’t we; that is to say, the older generation goes, leaving the world to the next, and so on. That’s generally, right and as expected, rules of creation. It’s neither fair nor kind when fate dips down into the next generation. 

However, within generation there are not much as to rules, so while the oldest expects to go first, being no rules, he may be held back and the youngest or middle sibling go. It isn’t fair, evidently isn’t meant to be, is it, but creation has no conception of fairness. 

Visiting cousins in Pensacola last weekend, Gina’s heart attack started though she didn’t recognize the symptoms; to doctor for tests Monday or Tuesday thinking something minor. Tuesday based on test results, doctor summoned her forthwith to BayMed ER, diagnosed heart attack and admitted. Wednesday stabilizing. Thursday scheduled for cath but diagnosed very high risk and stent delayed to Friday. Friday halted stent procedure upon emergency, BP bottomed out at 30/0, heart stopped, CPR resuscitated. Stent not possible after all. Too much calcification jamming arteries due to years smoking. Per cardiologist, recourse now either CABGs, or medication and hospice care. Heart surgeons to examine and consider after weekend, but Friday evening the cardiologist said surgery high risk and not likely. 

Writing late Friday evening after notifying family and returning home from hospital to find out my brother is coming Saturday and Gina’s daughters possibly driving in overnight. 

This is how helpless feels to an older brother, absent any control or influence, and nothing to do but Wait, Watch, Write, Remember. Prayerful meditation. Along with one aunt somehow still Being in Space but somewhat out of Time, I have known my sister longer than any living person. But this is our generation and it is Time, our turn. Apparently not Me First. Why? Not fair.

Remember that Christmas morning when mama made the fake Santa hat and … ? Remember Easter Mornings when we were little, waiting breathlessly to open the front door and see whether the Easter Bunny had … , remember that?! Remember our family trip, summer 1950 driving to WashingtonDC and the BlueRidge Mountains?! Remember the Time you … ?! Remember, we were teenagers, remember a summer day I let you drive the station wagon and you sped round the corner at the TallyHo, turning south from 15th Street onto Harrison Avenue going way too fast, turning much too slowly, speeding straight at another car, I grabbed the steering wheel and the station wagon leaned heavily, swerved, tires squealing, narrowly missing that other car?! Remember that day about 1953 I was driving you and Walt to summer band practice, raising a cloud of dust on 11th Street and the constable hiding down Balboa zoomed out to stop us for speeding? I was afraid I’d make you late and Mr. Whitley would be furious, so even though the speed limit was 35 and I admitted I was doing 50, the constable let us go. Remember that Sunday afternoon in LynnHaven we went swimming in North Bay when you and Walt stepped in a hole and nearly drowned? Remember trips home from Pensacola late cold nights after Christmas, our sleeping places in the back seat of our new 1942 Chevrolet - - Walt on the shelf under the back window, you sleeping on the floor because it was warm, me in the front seat listening to parents talk about their dating days. Remember how excited we used to get when one of the Malone girls was coming from Pensacola to spend weeks with us? Remember the July 1942 evening we stopped at the Tarpon Dock filling station to get a tiny puppy for Walt’s third birthday and Walt named him Happy Birthday. Happy for Short, remember the cat who slept on Happy's back? Remember Happy coming up to Cove School for us every afternoon? Remember Walt's funny school picture about second grade, he smiled wide and mouth shut because of missing teeth, we laughed and he cried, we couldn't stop laughing and mama scolded and commanded us to stop, remember? Remember ... ? Don't go. Please don't go. If you go, who will help me with memories that are too old for Walt?

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,

And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;

Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee,

And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, 
          for peace comes dropping slow,

Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;

There midnight’s all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,

And evening full of the linnet’s wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day

I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;

While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,

I hear it in the deep heart’s core.

The Lake Isle of Innisfree

William Butler Yeats