you don't know me

There are folks, people, friends who actually like me, I do not know why. In our Summary of the Law "the second is this: thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself" gives me cringe, pause, and puzzle because I do not, cannot, never have loved myself, and can't imagine such; so my work is to love neighbor as the first and great commandment, "love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength", that's the best I can do, love neighbor as God and leave me out of it. Why me? 

When I was a Navy LTJG I was promoted to LT a year early, what was called "from below the zone" of promotion candidates, I alone of dozens or scores of officers. I didn't know why, have never understood why. Soon after that in the Navy, I was given my choice of Stanford, Harvard or the University of Michigan for graduate school. They assigned me choice billets for promotion potential, some called it the "flag track"; they sent me to the Naval War College. I never knew why or even thought about it, I was and am a regular person. When people ask me "How are you?" I say "above average", which to me is a C+ or maybe B- and that's perfect for any human being.

For whatever reason or reasons, my parish, bishop and diocese in Pennsylvania seemed especially enthusiastic about me standing for ordination as an Episcopal priest, and then were crushed with disappointment when, instead of taking the parish offered to me in Pennsylvania, I sought out Trinity, Apalachicola for all kinds of personal reasons. Why? I'm just another person in black suit and white collar. I don't understand it, I do not, am not asking why, and wish not to hear back about it, please.

Now for the past nearly forty years, the second half of my life, people seem to have liked me wherever I go as a priest, and sad when I leave, I don't understand that. This is a muse about myself this morning, and it's my blog, it's not a forum, not an invitation to respond, so kindly do not, please. 

But maybe by writing about me I'll understand myself better, maybe by hearing about me from myself anyone who reads this will understand me better: I'm a person, an ordinary person, I don't remember my Myers-Briggs profile except that it always rated me between extroversion and introversion, and high on conscientiousness. The introversion I know why that is and am not going into it here; the extroversion is in error, I'm no extrovert. The conscientiousness, when I was nine years old, I started working Saturdays through the school year, and every day except Sundays all summers long; my mother more than once commented that I was born thirty years old. 

Several weeks ago, Amy asked me to put down on my calendar Wednesday, September 18 for a special chapel service at the school, that was going to be outside, so I did. Linda wasn't sure she was invited and should go, but I insisted. When we got there, it turned out to be the fancy new flagpole installation was dedicated to me, Father Tom. And my Kristen was there. And Robert, who has been my friend longer than anyone I know, from when we were both six years old. Taken aback, completely by surprise, and never prepared for being singled out in a crowd, I was stunned, speechless, and with no response.

Writing, I never begin an essay or paragraph, and as few sentences as possible, with the word "I" because, well just because. Maybe because so many people in writing seem to begin every sentence with "I", which I think is probably unconscious, not intentional, but shows the ego subconsciously at work underneath and behind, and I try to avoid that. Nobody knows me, the real Being that some call Tom and some call Carroll and some call Bubba, Papa, Dad. I'm Dad and Papa just like half the adult males on earth, but I'm not Tom, Bubba, Carroll, that's just what I'm called, as in Wie heißen sie? Ice heiße Tom, Carroll, Bubba aber ich bin das nicht. Ich bin jemand, den du nie kennen wirst. Different folks know me differently, and different things about me and how I've lived my life and loved during my life. No one knows all of me, though one or two can read between my lines. 

I've known a few people I didn't like, even couldn't stand, and vice versa, but then somebody wrote that "anyone who's never made an enemy ain't worth a damn" so that's not only okay, it makes me solid with that C+ or yes even B- on a beautiful day. And every day is a beautiful day.