Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Stassen for President

Senator Texyak, the folks here have asked you several questions this evening, and my question is why have you never answered even one question but instead have wandered off into the ether, waffling and serving up a ration of skybalon and meaningless blather as though we were morons?

Bill, thank you for that question, it’s an important question, and I’m going to answer it by nonstop taking about anything and everything else that crosses my mind. That question was important to my parents, and in fact it’s why they came to this country legally as legal residents to claim the benefits of the American constitution and bill of rights, and to work for equal opportunities for every man and woman in this great land. And my father, because of the very issue that concerns you and me and every law abiding American this election year, immigrated here from Lower Cubovia and took a job scrubbing toilets with a toothbrush in the garment district of East Mamivia Beach. Because of Hubamacare and Hollowie’s alliance with the big banks, he didn’t have a raise for seventeen years and nobody ever criticized my mother and the sniveling cowards better stop talking about my wife, but when I’m president I pledge to you that this will be my first priority my first day in office right after the carpet bombing, because my parents knew that their son could be president of this great land, and I intend to stand up for the American people.

clap clap clap clap, cheer, cheer, clap, clap, clap.

Herr Dröumpfht, why have you made the election campaign a farcical international humiliation that has deteriorated into irrelevancies about your opponent’s wife even though your series of wives have to be imported from foreign lands?

Bill, thank you very, very much for that very, very important question, and even though I have by far the most delegates it's tremendous and, it's amazing, very, very fantastic, they love me and I love them, millions upon millions more votes than my lying opponent, who is not even an American and we’re suing him for telling very, very false tales out of school, and my father was very, very proud of me because I only borrowed a million dollars from him which I paid it back and have built it into a jillion quadrillion dollar net worth and very, very important cash flow, which is fantastic and I'm very, very wealthy and am going to make America wealthy, but we have a 5.5 quadrillion dollar trade deficit with Mexico and we are importing Buicks from China when Americans are losing jobs, which is a very, very serious issue, and I’m going to stop it by building a tremendous sixty foot seawall up the west coast, which will be beautiful and China is going to pay for it, but he started it because my wife is smarter and prettier than his and she doesn’t try to mess up my hair, but when I said my campaign manager didn’t rough up that lying woman who was trying to hit me, we didn’t know there were security cameras all over the room taking pictures and my answer was very, very truthful, and the three main issues facing America today are security, security, security, which is a tremendous problem and very, very serious, but everybody else including Japan and South Korea and the Europeans let us pay for their defense, which is very, very serious and a tremendous problem which I’m going to make them pay, why should we go broke protecting those very, very wealthy nations, and before I nuke the Muslims for trying to sneak into our country, I’m going to bring our troops home because nobody is more for guns than I am, and so everyone can develop their own nuclear arsenals while I make America great again like it was after The War when we were in the majority and women and blacks knew their place.

clap clap clap clap clap clap

Governor Casey, you have managed to stay above the 

Harold Stassen, your day has come, where are you when we finally need you?


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